Queer Eye For The Straight Phantom
by Madame Butterfly
Summary: Five gay men out to save the world, one straight Phantom at a time.
1. We're Off To See Le Fantome!

A/N: Hold on to your seats, kiddies!

WARNING: OOC! Phluff!

All Thangs Just Keep Getting Better For Erik

As Jai prepped everyone on the hot set, dull raps on the door. Erik dragged his eyes off Christine. Wondering what to do next, a poof poofed in Erik's mind as it registered what to do next. He heaved out of the chair his 'cute lil butt', as Carson observed while he checked out the pair of dark brown slacks Erik had on that day, out to get the door. He still wasn't used to visitors coming in and knocking politely.

Then again, he wasn't used to having five gay men wreck his house and do what's best for good ol' him anyway.

But he saw Kyan jog to the outer hall already, so he decided to sit quietly back down.

"Carson! Friendship's here!" yelled Kyan as he jogged back in the room.

"Good!" said Carson happily. He gave a few final instructions to everyone before trotting to where Kyan was.

It registered in Erik's mind. When talking about eminently modish, flamboyant gay men, friendship equals trouble. Then again, isn't it all the time?, pondered Erik. Realizing he had no time to ponder, he stood up and boomed, "What do you mean, by friendship?" he asked warily.

"Oh! You'll see." said Carson as he spun around. "Don't worry. This guy is like my first cousin, only so much more handsome." A chuckle then he left.

Erik sighed. That's all he did. He sighed.

A "WHAAAT?" surged through his ears, from the kitchen.

Erik decided to plant his 'cute lil butt' right on the seat, as his wandering around tended to lead him into another path into darkness deep as hell.

"Christine, Christine… Why? Why?" sobbed Erik melodramatically in his head.

The clang of a pan and the _craaaaack_ of a porcelain plate sent Erik flying into the kitchen with a prayer to an unnamed god in his squinted eyes.

He sighed with relief when he saw that everything was in order. Ted was ranting aimlessly with one of their runners, who looked quite incensed and bored at the time.

"Don't you know that **this**," he said, pointing to the bags on top of the counter. "is an offense against my ten commandments and an insult to my… and his!" motioning to Erik. "Personal taste and style! Not to mention class. Did I mention class? Oh lord! Don't you dare get me started on the class o-"

The blonde teenager threw her hands in the air, sending one of her fake nails flying. "I'm not! I'm not! So hold your tongue for a moment, puhleeze!" Gasping a high-pitched breath, she sighed. Calmly, "Look, Mister Ted, sir, I just dragged this thing in. It was Sir K's friend." She giggled. "The ka-yoot one… Heeheeheeheehee…"

Ted raised his hands in the hair in a little surrender. "Well, he is a good looking chap…" Snapping back to his original state of mind, he recoiled. "But he can be quite, well, dim, at times."

"Ah, well, I always chose looks over books." Said the runner as she went out the room, sucking the glue off her finger.

"Indeed." Said Erik as he approached Ted. "Say, Ted, who is this man? Carson's friend…"

Ted smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. "Carson warned me about this beforehand. You'll meet him soon. The food in those bags – rather, the sad replacement of food in those bags, are what we're going to eat before we head out."

"Head out?"

"The fun begins."

"Did someone say 'fun'?" exclaimed Thom as he walked in the room. "I hear hap-… Oh…"

"I don't like the food either."

Thom made a face, but clapped his hands together and said, "Well, beggahs can't be choosahs, doll."

"Sadly."

"Well, we finally got the first part done. Everyone did wonderfully, by the way. The managers even did a ditty from 'Guys & Dolls'."

"On the set?"

"Nah, in Erik's bathroom which Kyan adores."

"Oh…" said Ted with a gleam in his eye.

Both men laughed manically as they motioned Erik to follow them into his living room/studio/set.

Erik grunted. Whenever someone laughed manically, he was supposed to get his royalties. But never mind. He'll let it slide… _Just this once_…

He turned at his heel and glided out the room in the Phantomy way.

_A/N: From this point onwards, was supposed to be uploaded next week. But to be nice, here it is… _

Jai grabbed the bags of food from the kitchen, passing Erik, Ted and Thom as they entered into the mayhem of the most wonderful kind. Wonderful, depending on one's on definition. Carson and Kyan were talking and making jokes with Christine, the managers, and everyone else. They walked in in the middle of a story.

"And we tried to get her down here, because from what I've heard, she's worked with our secret and strange angel…"

"Though they didn't have a very good working relationship…"

"Far from it. Erik blackmailed her, supposedly. At least that's the word…?"

"But anyway, we tried to get her to come give a testimonial here, but we just couldn't!"

"We used everything we could think of!"

"Money!"

"Fame!"

"Primetime shows!"

"Donuts!"

"But to no avail…"

Both sighed dramatically.

"But that's okay! These two are good enough." Said Kyan, clapping Andre's shoulder.

"And our precious little ingénue!" said Carson, motioning to Christine, her face laughing, eyes dancing.

"And to our new guest!" said Christine as she raised her wine glass filled with sparkling water.

"Here here!" exclaimed Carson. Upon noticing the presence of The Phantom & Phriends, he said, "Come here! Here!"

They walked on over to Carson. Carson put his hand on Erik's shoulder and said, "Maybe it's time for the angel to meet my dear friend." Smiled Carson. He looked around. "He was here a moment ago…"

Jai's voice from the background popped in. "He's being his darling self and helping me sort these out in individual proportions."

Kyan turned around. "Remember what happened last time?" he aske laughingly.

Jai groaned. "Ugh, the revenge of the sewer rats and the elephant parade, don't remind me…"

Whispers flew from the crowd of behind-the-scenes men. A few giggles here, a nudge in the stomach there, a scowl. Erik didn't understand, nor did he care to.

"We're just about done here." Said Jai over the rustle-rustle of paper bags and plasticware. "You'll have your first cousin back soon enough."

"Stop right there!" demanded Carson. "He's my _pretend_ first cousin. How else am I going to marry him when we grow up?"

"Oh shush!" said a voice, not Jai's. "I only have my beautiful eyes on one person."

Christine laughed as she took a sip from her drink.

Erik sat there and absorbed everything around him like a sponge. A few minutes _talk-talk-rustle-gossip-crack-talk-gossip-squeal_ passed, and Jai once again spoke.

"Done!"

"Good job! Have a gold star!"

"Yay!"

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, first we, well, dine."

Over the heads, Erik saw a table, long and narrow, with little paper bags all neatly lined up on it. It had a yellow "M" on the front. Erik wondered what it meant. He approached the food and wine connoisseur on the matter.

"What's this? Marseilles? Something from there? Or perhaps Monica's? That bistro near here?"

Ted hung his head. "No…"

Erik gulped and tried to stop beads of sweat from rolling down. "Me… Mexican?"

"No."

Erik breathed relief. No one could know about his delicate stomach. "Oh. So…?"

"I introduce to you McDonald's."

"Ah." Said Erik, who was really thinking more along the lines of 'Eh?'. But decided to hide it.

As people began to move out for food, Carson pulled Erik aside and said, "I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine. I brought him in because he's a fashionable, elegant man, with a good sense of what he likes, what women like. But he can be… A bit slow at times… But from time to time, who's not?"

Erik wanted to retort with a self-important snide but then he realized that not punjabbing anyone this deep into things was a stupidity in itself.

Maybe because Christine was there. He didn't want the woman of his love see the same hands that touch and caress and play her beautiful music, kill and murder, and mutilate.

Or maybe because he was a good person.

Erik chose the former, thank you very much. I am not losing my spark, he told himself firmly.

"Come over here!" said Carson waving. "And bring enough munchies for a threesome! There's someone here I want you to meet."

The voice from the crowd made its was nearer as he responded. "Oh. I'm afraid we've met before."

It was the moment where speech disappeared into silence, and not the way Erik wanted it to be.

There was no way to describe Erik's expression but with this --> O.o

Holding three McDonald's bags in front of him stood Raoul.

And once again, --> O.o

Raoul never got the chance to say another three words for at that moment, Carson found himself being dragged by the collar by an angered Phantom.

"What… The Hell… Is Going… On…"

Carson waved a nervous yet dismissive hand. "Stop talking like William Shatner."

"Not the point. I cannot believe… Does Christine know he's here?"

"She was glad she had someone to talk to while the managers were getting their acts straight as we filmed, although I must say, the hardl-"

"I cannot believe it. She betrayed me. You, even if I do not trust you in the least, betrayed me! Do you not know of the hatred that flows between us men?! I was scorned! Everything was supposed to be wonderful! Everything grand and majestic! For me and Christine… Had he not shown! I was close to killing that pretentious, arrogant, self-ob-"

"Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down!" said Carson, wiping imaginary sweat droplets off his brow. "First of all, I didn't know there was underlying sexual tension between the two of you…"

"You're missing my point." Erik said, in a voice mistakable for calm, but really, it was pure rage. Don't be fooled.

"Please. Just calm down, relax. Please be a gentleman, like you really are. Be civil. Christine enjoys his company. She has someone to hang with."

Erik's eyes were the eyes of a scorned lover. To Carson, they were the eyes of a little lamb lost in the woods, one who could always to be good, to one who'll watch over him… _Crack-crack_went Carson's heart.

He did some speed thinking. "If it makes you any better, they remind me of Kathryn and Sebastian… From 'Cruel Intentions'? They're siblings!"

Erik's eyes turned into slits. "I know the storyline of that, freak."

Blooper. Carson gave himself a time-out.

_Tic-toc-tic-toc_

"But do it for Christine. She'd be thrilled to see you getting along, if not in a friendly manner, in a civil manner. You wouldn't want her to feel awkward when she's around both of you, right? You'd want her to have a good time, right? You want to win her heart, right? And get you some, right?"

Erik sighed. "If you put it that way… I'll be… _gulp_… Nice."

Carson smiled. "Now let's get back before the food gets all gone!"

They found Raoul leaning on a wall by himself; near the one they left him by, amidst the group of chattering people. Carson gave Erik a nudge, and Erik complied somewhat reluctantly.

Erik approached Raoul. "Hello, Vicomte. Fancy meeting you here, out of all circumstances, this." He said plainly.

Raoul nodded. "Monsieur."

Awkward pause.

"-.-"

"o.o"

"-.-"

"o.o"

Carson swept past the two of them, swiftly grabbing his meal out of Raoul's hands, while nudging Raoul on as well.

Raoul cleared his throat. "Well, um… This is awkward."

"Indeed."

"o.o"

"-.-"

"For Christine's sake, please, let's not do anything that will make her fe-"

Erik raised a hand. "I know where you're getting at. I agree."

"Truce?"

"-.-"

"Erik!"

He sighed. "Yes, a truce. For Christine."

Raoul beamed. "Good. A handshake will do."

They shook hands.

Raoul handed Erik his bag. "I thought you might like this one in particular." He said with a smile.

As they moved to the empty part of the couch, Erik opened the bag. It contained a burger, a drink, and a little toy.

Raoul smiled. "Something told me that you wanted the Happy Meal."

Erik looked down, then around, then at Raoul. His eyes shone. "Gee… Thanks."

A/N: Please review if you liked it. Or if you hated it. I don't care. Just please review. ::begs:: I hope you liked the bonus part I included. ;-) Hehehehe. Trust things to get wackier, dears. But for now, I have finals! Wish me luck! ::poof::


	2. Erik's New Allergy

All Thangs Just Keep Getting Better For Erik  
  
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To respond to The Real Christine Daaé, this is just a spoof, but if anyone wants to flame it, go ahead! It's just a spoof I did for a friend. :-D But to those who are enjoying it, thanks!  
  
!!  
  
Christine led the Fab Five to the secret entrance. As Christine fiddled with the lock, they looked on in wonder.  
  
"Oh, how very Lara Croft..." sighed Carson.  
  
Once the lock clicked open, Christine led them inside. She gestured quietly to the main room.  
  
"Please get yourselves settled in here." She said. "I'll go get him."  
  
Christine exited and made her way to Erik's room, hearing Thom rave about the gold-and-red settee.  
  
Christine knocked gently at the large oak door of the Music room. No answer after a minute or two and she quietly turned the knob. No one was there. She proceeded to do the same to the study. Still he was not there. She moved to his bedroom. No answer, so she turned the knob. She smiled. Erik sat on the edge of the room, under the lamp, by the window. He was asleep in his large roomy armoire with a big fat book in his hands.  
  
Christine smiled as she quietly stepped towards him... Followed by equally sneaky gay men. "Thank God Nike Airs..." whispered Jai, followed by a nudge for silence from Kyan.  
  
Thom was still taking his time in the hall, examining the colors and the interior in general. "Oh my God... Oh my God..."  
  
As he entered Erik's regally furnished room, he said, "Oh my God..."  
  
He got a look from Ted that said, 'Keep quiet, you gay man...' so he walked with his hands in his pockets around the room, occasionally examining designs and Oh-My-God-Ing.  
  
As Christine neared Erik, she knelt down by his side and touched his gloved hand. Erik stirred. Carson squealed.  
  
Lucky for Carson, Erik was masked. Carson jumped to Erik's free side and shook him awake. "Wake up... Wake up..."he said, his voiced layered with honey. "Wake up, Eriky-Poo..."  
  
"Christine?" smiled Erik, half-asleep, half-awake.  
  
"Erik..." breathed a tentative Christine. "Um..."  
  
Jai signaled the cameraman and announced, "THE HOMOS HAVE ARRIVED!" He slid to his knees with matching theatrical hand gestures.  
  
Erik stirred awake and, upon seeing a man sitting on his lap, smiling and staring at him, screamed and scrambled to the floor.  
  
A look of exasperation crossed Carson's face. He shrugged and said, "My prettiness has overwhelmed him."  
  
"CHRISTINE!?!?!?!"  
  
"Um..." she laughed lightly. "Welcome to my world?" she said uncertainly.  
  
"Yes, Eriky-Dear," began Ted. "We are here to take you through the worlds of culture, class, fashion, all-out design..."  
  
Though Erik could understand exactly what he said, and yes, he understood, he could not quite believe it. "What?"  
  
Carson filled with pep and spice, shrieked, "We're taking you frooooom... Drum roll please!!!"  
  
Thom began drumming his buffed fingers vociferously.  
  
"DRAB tah FAB!!!"  
  
"Yay!" squealed Jai and Kyan.  
  
"Christine... Christine... Christine..." Erik looked like he was about to cry.  
  
"Awww..." said Carson, grasping Erik in a hug. "That's okay, you poor little thang... Don't worry, you're in well-manicured hands."  
  
"GAH! Don't touch me!!!" said Erik shrilly as he scuttled to the bed.  
  
"Well!" cried Carson as he launched into Prima Donna mode. "I never!"  
  
"And look on the bright side," comforted Ted as he sat beside Erik. "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."  
  
Erik fell sideways on his bed and wrapped himself in his blanket.  
  
"Ooh... Nice sheets..." commented Thom.  
  
Jai tutted. "He never knew what hit him..."  
  
Carson grinned evilly. "Oh he just wait..."  
  
"But still," observed Kyan. "I've never seen anyone with such an aversion to Carson..."  
  
"And that's why I have something special planned for him..." grinned the fashion savant.  
  
!!  
  
Poor, unhappy Erik!  
  
Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him?  
  
Oh yeah.  
  
!!  
  
Please leave a review, and if you have anything related to male fashion, from back then and now, please let me know! Anything can happen if you'd like them too! :-D  
  
Flame me if you want, but I'll still keep going. This is fun!   
  
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	3. Randomness! Can't think of a title!

All Thangs Just Keep Getting Better For Erik  
  
!!  
  
Hey! Have fun!   
  
!!  
  
Carson went through Erik's closet and drawers, filing through suits and dress shirts and casually throwing them in a heap.  
  
"Chr... Is..." Erik said teary-eyed. "Wah...Why?"  
  
Christine chuckled, but as she opened her mouth, Jai grabbed her and said, "Okay, we have the lover ready and in check."  
  
"Oh yeah." Replied Thom from the other side of the room.  
  
"We need at least two coworkers and the best friend..." he said. "Oh, and that plain white background..."  
  
Christine paused to think when Kyan gasped.  
  
"Oh, my God!"  
  
"Oh, my God, what is it?"  
  
"His sheets are so purely white!"  
  
Ted clutched his chest and turned to Erik. "Oh, dear Lord, are you sure you're straight?"  
  
Erik exasperatedly ran his fingers through his hair. "Yes..." he replied in a shrill voice through gritted teeth.  
  
Jai snapped his fingers. "Hey," he said taking a sheet from Erik's closet and opening it wide. "This can be our backdrop!"  
  
Two minutes later, Jai, Thom and Ted were draping the sheets in the living room. The cameramen were lounging around. Kyan went to Erik's bathroom.  
  
"Wow." He said. "You're not like most Parisians, are you?"  
  
Erik nodded. "I take pride in my meticulousness with my toilet."  
  
Speaking of toilet, Kyan reminded himself to inspect the actual toilet. He scanned the room quickly and fell to his knees. He hugged the white ceramic bowl. "Thank you for having a clean toilet."  
  
Erik, though freaked, was slightly amused.  
  
"That's just wonderful." He said, flipping open the toiletries closet... "Say, Erik, where do you keep your grooming and pampering products?"  
  
Erik turned round. "Excuse me?"  
  
"You know... Creams, moisturizers, do-it-yourself facials masks, shaving cream..."  
  
"Oh... Well..."  
  
"Aha!" He exclaimed. "A character flaw!"  
  
"Well, I have better things to do..." retorted Erik stupidly.  
  
"Oh, like drop perfectly divine chandeliers even when they compliment the red-and-gold of the theatre in a rich, ethereal manner?!?!" snapped Thom frustratingly.  
  
"Awww..." said Carson as he gave Thom a hug. "There, there..."  
  
Thom began to cry crocodile tears in an exaggerated manner.  
  
Erik rolled his eyes and went off to find Christine. Surprised to hear her talking about him in the living room, he went to investigate.  
  
"Erik... Hmmm... A gentleman indeed. Personally, I don't think he needs that exposure to culture. He has an innate sense of the class and romance too..." she said frankly. After a pause she smiled and continued. "I'd like him to socialize though..."  
  
Erik walked in to see Christine seated on a stool, talking in front of Jai and his camera crew. After two seconds, he ran in the room.  
  
"Hey, what are you doing with my good sheets?!" he cried. "I imported those from Barcelona!"  
  
Christine looked quizzically at Erik. Jai waved him off and said to Christine, "Don't worry, hon, we'll just edit him out."  
  
Christine nodded and continued her speech about Erik, whilst he watched on for curiosity, feeling both flattered and inquisitive. Could she love me? He thought.  
  
"Hey, you better listen up here, lover boy." Said Jai, nudging Erik lightly in the rib. "This is a great self-esteem booster."  
  
Erik paused and watched Christine fixing herself up. She looked up at him and smiled.  
  
Gladly, he thought, feeling all smug and warm inside.  
  
!!  
  
Isn't Christine being so sweet? layers on the sugar  
  
!!  
  
Oh you reviewers! Ya'll rock my world! I'm so glad. Love and phantoms for you all!  
  
Eowyn of Ithilien: I truly agree with you when it comes to compromising characters' personalities. There is a point here, I promise. I'm trying the best I can, reading essays about Erik and thumbing through interviews with the Fab Five, trying to keep it as close as possible. In fact, some of their answers are quoted from those said interviews and previous episodes. :-D (10 Points if you can identify the episode!) (Kidding.)  
  
The Khanum of Persia: Oh thank you! I feel so flattered. I will do the very best to do this properly. Promise!  
  
Megan The Phantom Girlie: No cheetah prints. Gotcha.  
  
Erin: Thanks so much! Hugs for ya!  
  
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	4. Get Out Of There, Or Else!

All Thangs Just Keep Getting Better For Erik  
  
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gryffingirl77: Thank you so much!!!  
  
Alison: I feel so flattered. Thank you, dear!  
  
The Khanum of Persia: Erik sends his love. :-D  
  
Lavendar: Yeah I did think about that coffin thing! But think of it this way: If he were to sleep, he would have to remove his mask, and if he removed his mask... Yeah, let's not cross that bridge 'til we get there, mmmkay? :-D  
  
To Everyone: Thank you, and I'm listening.  
  
!!  
  
Erik smiled. He stroked his chin in complacent thought as he watched Christine extemporize her feelings for him. Her hands were clasped on her lap, occasionally moving around in an action made for emphasis.  
  
Erik's fantasy world was interrupted when a random cameraman said, "Uh, Sir Jai, Sir?"  
  
"Ya huh?" replied Jai, not taking his eyes of Christine.  
  
"Come here, please..." he called, motioning to the monitor.  
  
"What?" Erik spat, though his name wasn't Jai.  
  
"Check it out..." said the cameraman, rewinding the tape and playing it.  
  
"Mahatma Gandhi!" he shrieked. "What the hell?!"  
  
Erik watched the monitor and raised his brow at the site of Christine's floating head.  
  
Jai slapped his forehead. "Why? How? Wh--..." he took a deep breath and looked at Christine. "Oh yeah... The dress..."  
  
Erik looked at Christine's pristine white dress, with it's long ruffled sleeves and light cleavage... Erik coughed and focused his attention back to the monitor.  
  
"So, what is she to do now?" he queried.  
  
Jai paused. "Well, we could just use picture science to fix this, or we could tape it again..." he looked at the crew and said, "If we're gonna shoot this scene again, does it mean we get to stay here longer?"  
  
One of them looked at the script list and nodded. Jai clasped his hands. "It's settled then," he declared.  
  
"CARSON!" he yelled.  
  
Carson walked out with his hands in his pockets. "I'm bored. Really bored!"  
  
Erik looked at Jai, and said, "What does he do?"  
  
Carson looked appalled. "I stand around and look pretty." He snapped both sarcastically and truthfully.  
  
Jai laughed and said proudly, "He's the resident fashion savant."  
  
Carson nodded pompously.  
  
"And speaking of fashion," he said, motioning to Christine. "Get her into something that's not white." He said, motioning to the monitor.  
  
Carson watched a minute or two of the footage. "This is great!" he exclaimed. "It can go with our theme!"  
  
"Theme?" echoed Jai and Erik.  
  
"Yah! Crazy-psychos-with-a-thing-for-pretending-to-be-nice-but-is-really- mean- and-freaks-innocent-homosexuals-out." He shot his evilest eye to Erik. Changing moods, he took Christine and said, "Come along, dearie, let's get you into something," mocking Erik he said. "NICE."  
  
Erik felt his blood boil. He walked into his room, intent on getting that knotted piece of catgut from his bedside table, but when he walked into his room, he fell back.  
  
"Dear God..." he exhaled.  
  
"It's me, Margaret." Finished Ted as he pushed back the rest of his stuff.  
  
Thom felt like crying. "This is your bedroom, right?"  
  
He nodded. "Yes."  
  
"Okay yeah, so..." Thom said. "You want me to believe that you sleep on a chair?" he said pointing to armchair they found Erik asleep in.  
  
"Actually," reasoned Ted as he settled in the chair. "It's pretty comfy..."  
  
"Ted!" he scolded. "Back me up here!"  
  
"And get out of my chair!"  
  
Ted threw his hands up in the air and said, "Pushy..." he walked to Ted's side and said plainly, "Erik's where's your bed?"  
  
Erik looked around, his things arranged mismatched against the wall. "Good question..."  
  
His eyes rested on a pile of his books and doodads. He pointed to it and said, "There. You used it for a table."  
  
"I thought it was a table... A very unique table..." Thom sighed as they all walked to it. Erik carefully moved some of the items to a corner. He smoothed out his coffin and lifted the lid.  
  
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! You!"  
  
"Actually, Thom, it's pretty comfy..."  
  
"Ted, back me up!"  
  
"And get out of there!!!" retorted Erik. He paused then said in a gentler tone, "Or don't... I'd be happy to place you there forever..."  
  
!!  
  
Sorry if this chapter is kinda short! I just had to place this in! Don't hate me, just please review! Claim your cupcakes from me, mmmkay?  
  
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MmeMarie: Oh dear God! Thank you! Changes have been made immediately. Thank you! Thank you! :-D 


	5. The Difference Is Down There

All Thangs Just Keep Getting Better For Erik  
  
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Hey! Sorry for the long wait. A little thing called 'school' got in the way. Bleh. Please read and review. Have fun!   
  
!!  
  
Ted rolled his eyes. "Sheesh." He said, clambering out of his... er- bed. As he walked out of the room, he muttered to Kyan. "Rock soup. Not a lot of flavor."  
  
Kyan shook his head melancholically. "Not a lot of patience either."  
  
"Or class..." Thom added.  
  
Erik turned the other cheek when he heard Kyan's and Ted's comments, but with Thom's, he took a great stride and eyed him maliciously.  
  
"What was that, monsieur?" he mouthed sardonically.  
  
"Well..." shrugged Thom.  
  
"How dare you call me a ruffian!" he bellowed hotly. "You pompous, arrogant, insolent twit!!! Why. WHY?! Why, I—"  
  
Erik was cut short by a tutting Carson, who stood with his hands on his hips at the door. "Well." He observed. "Is that how a gentleman should act?"  
  
He walked into the room. Erik rolled his eyes. "Let's say, that, Mister... Whatever... Okay, so, let's pretend that it was that little dear, Christine, who made that comment?" he related. "What then? Huh? Huh? It's her opinion, isn't it? So... Whatcha gonna do, Mr. High-and-Mighty?"  
  
Erik groaned exasperatedly. "Well, Christine's a lady..."  
  
Now, it was Carson's turn to eye Erik maliciously. "So what makes us any different?"  
  
"Yeah!" supplied Thom.  
  
"Would you just leave me alone?" he huffed after a grueling second. Unable to think of a reply, he stormed into the living room. Remembering the use of his good sheets, he locked himself in his den.  
  
Once Erik was out of earshot, Carson cried, "Yay! Party!" The Fab Five continued their work on Erik's large room, save for Jai, who was handling the crewmen and the other people filming their segments, and Carson, who was ransacking Erik's closet.  
  
Carson stood in front of two large doors that most likely led to a walk-in closet. He bit his nails anxiously... Well, just lightly chewing on them, because it's a big no-no to do so. Thom stood beside him.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked.  
  
"I'm scared." He replied plainly. A look of genuine worry was on his face.  
  
"At least the closet doors are nice..." commented Thom, running his hands over the ornate designs on the door. Carson rolled his eyes.  
  
"Okay. Number 1, it's too tacky. The designs are too intricate, making these hard to clean... Ooh, and party central for dust..." he said as he ran his fingers down one looping carved on the edge. "And Number 2... I'm scared too..."  
  
Carson sighed and decided to get it over with. He held on to the dark gold knobs, twisted them, and threw the doors open. Neither Thom nor Carson moved for two whole minutes.  
  
Thom blinked. "Where are his clothes?"  
  
Carson slowly raised his arm and pointed to the seemingly endless abyss of blackness. "There..."  
  
Thom squinted. "Oh..." he clapped Carson's shoulder and wished him luck. He then went to explore the rest of Erik's abode.  
  
Carson sighed. "To boldly go where no homo has gone before..." He clenched his hands into a fist, one in the air, and one on his waist. "Wooosh...!"  
  
!!  
  
Another short chapter, noh? Oh well. I'll upload Chapter Five soon. Please review. I really appreciate them, and they inspire me to update, despite my failing Science grade. Oh and if you flame me, I'll write more and watch you spaz. evil laughter Oh well. 'Til we meet again! flies away  
  
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	6. PSYCHE!

All Thangs Just Keep Getting Better For Erik!

!!

"Oh... Sheeeeeeet..."

"Carson, are you okay? Thom called out uncertainly. He dropped a box filled with Erik's compositions to one side. "Do you need help?"

"Oh my... Oh no... Oh... Well, what do...?"

"Carson? Carson?" he stressed. He received no straight answer.

"Ricky!" cried Thom, rushing out of the room. "Ricky! Ricky! Come here! This is important!" He imitated a siren.

Erik and his billowing cape huffed into the hall. "Number One: It's **ERIK**. Number Two: **What**?"

Thom stopped abruptly in his tracks. "Oh, my God. That Number One, Number Two thing? That sounded so gay..." Noticing Erik's shoulders shake intensely with every exasperated breath, he cleared his throat and continued. "I think there's something wrong with Cars-"

"Hey, Mister Filicia!" yelled Jai. Lifting up an edge of Erik's cape off the floor, he twirled it around in his fingers and said, "Will this stay or go bye-bye?"

Thom took the material and rubbed it between his fingers. "No..." he said contemplatively. "They would make absolutely posh curtains... I mean, the mater-"Remembering the somewhat distressing situation of a certain blonde gay man, he shook his head in a reprimanding manner and continued. "I think Carson is in need of help..."

Erik raised his brow uninterestedly. "Oh dear." He breathed amusedly. "Do tell..."

"Well if you insist..." chuckled Thom. "Ahem... Well, Carson went in this dark room, and I think he's locked in. He sounds distraught, and he didn't respond to me when I called him..."

Erik took a minute to process this information. Succeeding that, a maliciously sexy grin spread across his face.

Jai licked his lips. "Ooh, yummy..."

Erik fell to the floor in maniacal laughter. "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"

Thom grabbed Erik's arm and dragged him to the room. "Come on, we have to help my friend! Aaaaah!

Erik's eyes began to water. The sight of that homosexual pest freaking out in an African forest brought tears to his eyes and great joy to his heart. 'There is a God...' he thought happily to himself.

"Well, help him!" cried Thom.

Erik picked himself up off the floor and dusted himself off. He walked in the direction where Thom's finger was pointing. He paused abruptly, wondering why he was hearing Carson scream from somewhere other than the Torture Chamber.

"Monsieur Kressley...?" he mouthed tentatively.

No reply.

"Excuse me, Sir...?"

With that, the doors flew violently open, the momentum smacking Erik against the wall. He shook his eyes open and saw a clammy Carson, panting heavily as if he's just seen a ghost.

"Oh, que horror!" he wailed alarmingly.

"He's alive!" rejoiced Thom.

"Barely!" supplied Carson, wiping his brow. He pointed to the darkness within and gave Thom a look. He took a deep breath and marched back in. Erik was confused.

"Carson, no! Don't go back in there!!!" warned Thom.

A few minutes later, Carson emerged intact carrying a bunch of Erik's evening suits and tuxedos. A look of anguish spread across his face as Carson dropped them on the floor and stomped on them.

"Blonde gay, good. Black and gray, baaaaaad..." he recited to himself.

With that, he went back in and took out more suits that grew darker and darker with each trip. Carson went back in but this time, he was heard crying, "Salvation! Salvation! I have been redeemed! Salvation!"

What caused all the fuss, you say? Carson beamed proudly as he strode out of Erik's closed with five white dress-shirts.

Celebration and chaos ensued as Erik tried to calculate the damage.

!!

Please, I'm begging you. Please review this little thing! I'm sorry if this chapter isn't as funny as the rest. I know it's so short, but I find myself incapable of writing uber-long chapters unless the thing's a one-shot... Wah! Please! ! I love you all! :-D See yaz!

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	7. Red Dresses & Big Holes

All Thangs Just Keep Getting Better For Erik

!!

Carson frolicked merrily around the room as Thom followed in celebration and glee. Carson found Jai in the living room, setting up for the re-shoot of the guest commentaries. Upon hearing this, Jai grinned and gave Erik a hug. Erik went to the bathroom soon after.

"Jai," whined Extra Cameraman #1. "Can we get this done with? We've been idle for three chapters now."

"Or more." Grunted his superior. "Or, I don't know." He nudged the cameraman beside him and fell asleep once more.

"Okay, okay." Sighed Jai resignedly. He clasped his hands and looked around. "Okay, make-up people, go prettify Christine. Oh, and someone go get her!"

Carson sighed, his nostrils flaring and face aghast. "Oh, fudge, I forgot about the _real_ girl!" With that, he turned 'round and skidded down the hall.

Jai shrugged and said, "Okay, people, while waiting for Chris, let's tape... Um, the coworkers now. Yeah, let's tape 'em now." He tiptoed and yelped in a high voice, "Oh, Monsieur Menidzers!!!" At that, two men pushed Andre and Firmin onto the couch, coincidentally, when a distressed Erik glided into the room.

The look of sheer confusion and hopelessness on their faces, on any other occasion, would have made Erik giggle like a schoolgirl... An evil biatchy schoolgirl... But now, his face distorted to an all-time low.

"WHAT IN HELL ARE THOSE TWO DOING IN MY HOUSE!!!" he roared. "HOW!? WHY?!" Upon remembering why, he shook his head with a moan of distress and hatred and said, "Hell. Hell, all of you... THESE DAMNED FOOLS KNOW THE SECRET ENTRANCE TO MY HOME! DAMN! BECAUSE OF YOU!!!" pointing an accusing finger to everyone. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The man who threw down Andre and Firmin raised a decent finger. "Uh, sir, what secret entrance?" he said, using that decent finger to point to a large gaping hole in the wall.

Erik impulsively raised the finger his pointer and his ring. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!??!!??" He flopped down on the couch, carrying his throbbing head in his hands. Andre and Firmin, noticing a troubled phantom wailing quietly beside them, watched in awe in this one-shot opportunity to watch a crumbled phantom. Erik, with one guttural hiss and that strange raised finger, sent Andre and Firmin fumbling to the edge.

"Okay, people, intimidation-and-getting-to-know-you time is over." Jai paused abruptly. "Or could it be intimidation-and-getting-to-know-_thee_ time?" he wondered out loud to himself. He recalled his duties and shook his head. "Slap me, I'm Irish... Anyways, let's get to filming. We need to get this done in two hours." Looking down the hallway and seeing nothing, he looked to Firmin and said, "Okay, Mr. G, you go first." As the make-up people gave Firmin some final rouch-ups, Jai gave his instructions. "Okay, Firmy, ya just have to rave about Erik dear here."

Firmin snapped up and raised a bushy, untrimmed brow. "Nuh uh," said Jai, waving a reproachful finger. "You don't have the right to do that." With that, he raised his own shapely brow and said, "Okay, in five, four, three, two..."

The marker snapped, and Firnin began. "Well, he's a pest, for one. Always stalking around in halls, eavesdropping in conversations, and dropping the occasional chandelier..."

"I told you, that wasn't me!!!" he pouted sarcastically. "I was scraping the chewing gum of the girders, and my unnaturally long arm unhooked the thing." He rolled his eyes.

Jai waved him off. "We'll edit him out..." To Firmin, he said, "Continue."

"He's a funny sort of specter..."

"Nothing plainer!" chimed Andre. "He is clearly quite insane."

"And to expect something from that innocent Christine Daaé! Oh, heavens above! You know, he could be charged with charged with child molestation with all that he does!"

"Yes, quite, quite!" supported Andre. "And he's a fag."

Erik bolted to his feet. He didn't know whether it was the 'child molesation' or the 'fag' thing that got to him, but he went on snapping French and English words that, if printed here, will violate the PG13 rating. Unfortunately, Christine heard him and with that, she rushed to his side and held his arm just as he reached into his coat pocket.

"Erik, that's enough!" she shrieked. "I won't tolerate this!" In a lower voice, she whispered. "And so won't... _She_."

Erik nodded resignedly and turned to Christine. The elegant red dress, sashed and sequined got to him. "Yes, Christine." He stuttered. "Okay... Uh huh... Uh... Uh..." but in his mind, he thought, _I like_. He managed to smile and keep his eyes at her face or in the space above. For that, he congratulated himself. Then, noticing Christine's long fingers wrapped firmly around his arm, his inner teenager smiled and said, _Father Louis was wrong. Violent tendencies are good_...

"Ah, there's the little flower!" said Jai, smiling as he walked up to her. "Oh goodie!" he peered over her shoulder and called out, "Carson, you're so fab! I love it, I love it, I love it!"

From the hall, Carson replied, "Thank you dearie, and you are too!!!"

Turning his attention to Christine, he said, "Let's just let Firmin here finish, then we'll tape you, mmmkay?"

Christine nodded and went to take a seat at the back. At first, she wanted to question on how Andre and Firmin got in, but, upon seeing the large HOLE in the WALL, she used her better judgment and bit her tongue.

Erik sat by the door, his thoughts jumbled. His eyes were fleeting. If they weren't on the huge hole in his wall, they were smoldering on the pile of expensive, imported suits on the floor, or they were softly lingering on Christine. He sighed. She looked awfully pretty as she sat there and awaited her turn.

His eyes lingered on the dress, hot and tightened and all the right places. This further accentuated her beauty and he thought, _"You know, I'm beginning to like this fashion savant." _ The words throbbed in his head, and upon remembering his clothes, shook his head repentantly and said, "Slap me, I'm Erik." With that, he gave himself three sharp smacks in the cheek. 

!!

1,017 words! I will work on making my chapters longer, I promise. In the meantime, please review this. I haven't been getting much, so I'm starting to think that I'm losing my muse. [You're my muse by the way. Erik quitted.] So, please review. If you'll continue reading this story without reviewing, remember: I'm writing not for you, you ingrate! I'm writing for my reviewers/critics/BFF's! I'm writing for them! ::points at an empty lot:: Oh, never mind. Please claim a lollipop as you click the purple button! Thanks! Until next time!!!

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O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O- O-

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	8. Could It Be!

A/N: Could it be? An update! Could it be? Random? YEEH! Could it be? A guest? YEEH! Could it be? A v- ::gets punjabbed::

WARNING: OOC!

All Thangs Just Keep Getting Better For Erik

As Jai prepped everyone on the hot set, dull raps on the door. Erik dragged his eyes off Christine. Wondering what to do next, a poof poofed in Erik's mind as it registered what to do next. He heaved out of the chair his 'cute lil butt', as Carson observed while he checked out the pair of dark brown slacks Erik had on that day, out to get the door. He still wasn't used to visitors coming in and knocking politely.

Then again, he wasn't used to having five gay men wreck his house and do what's best for good ol' him anyway.

But he saw Kyan jog to the outer hall already, so he decided to sit quietly back down.

"Carson! Friendship's here!" yelled Kyan as he jogged back in the room.

"Good!" said Carson happily. He gave a few final instructions to everyone before trotting to where Kyan was.

It registered in Erik's mind. When talking about eminently modish, flamboyant gay men, friendship equals trouble. Then again, isn't it all the time?, pondered Erik. Realizing he had no time to ponder, he stood up and boomed, "What do you mean, by friendship?" he asked warily.

"Oh! You'll see." said Carson as he spun around. "Don't worry. This guy is like my first cousin, only so much more handsome." A chuckle then he left.

Erik sighed. That's all he did. He sighed.

A "WHAAAT?" surged through his ears, from the kitchen.

Erik decided to plant his 'cute lil butt' right on the seat, as his wandering around tended to lead him into another path into darkness deep as hell.

"Christine, Christine… Why? Why?" sobbed Erik melodramatically in his head.

The clang of a pan and the _craaaaack_ of a porcelain plate sent Erik flying into the kitchen with a prayer to an unnamed god in his squinted eyes.

He sighed with relief when he saw that everything was in order. Ted was ranting aimlessly with one of their runners, who looked quite incensed and bored at the time.

"Don't you know that **this**," he said, pointing to the bags on top of the counter. "is an offense against my ten commandments and an insult to my… and his!" motioning to Erik. "Personal taste and style! Not to mention class. Did I mention class? Oh lord! Don't you dare get me started on the class o-"

The blonde teenager threw her hands in the air, sending one of her fake nails flying. "I'm not! I'm not! So hold your tongue for a moment, puhleeze!" Gasping a high-pitched breath, she sighed. Calmly, "Look, Mister Ted, sir, I just dragged this thing in. It was Sir K's friend." She giggled. "The ka-yoot one… Heeheeheeheehee…"

Ted raised his hands in the hair in a little surrender. "Well, he is a good looking chap…" Snapping back to his original state of mind, he recoiled. "But he can be quite, well, dim, at times."

"Ah, well, I always chose looks over books." Said the runner as she went out the room, sucking the glue off her finger.

"Indeed." Said Erik as he approached Ted. "Say, Ted, who is this man? Carson's friend…"

Ted smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. "Carson warned me about this beforehand. You'll meet him soon. The food in those bags – rather, the sad replacement of food in those bags, are what we're going to eat before we head out."

"Head out?"

"The fun begins."

"Did someone say 'fun'?" exclaimed Thom as he walked in the room. "I hear hap-… Oh…"

"I don't like the food either."

Thom made a face, but clapped his hands together and said, "Well, beggahs can't be choosahs, doll."

"Sadly."

"Well, we finally got the first part done. Everyone did wonderfully, by the way. The managers even did a ditty from 'Guys & Dolls'."

"On the set?"

"Nah, in Erik's bathroom which Kyan adores."

"Oh…" said Ted with a gleam in his eye.

Both men laughed manically as they motioned Erik to follow them into his living room/studio/set.

Erik grunted. Whenever someone laughed manically, he was supposed to get his royalties. But never mind. He'll let it slide… _Just this once_…

He turned at his heel and glided out the room in the Phantomy way.

_ A/N: From this point onwards, was supposed to be uploaded next week. But to be nice, here it is… _

Jai grabbed the bags of food from the kitchen, passing Erik, Ted and Thom as they entered into the mayhem of the most wonderful kind. Wonderful, depending on one's on definition. Carson and Kyan were talking and making jokes with Christine, the managers, and everyone else. They walked in in the middle of a story.

"And we tried to get her down here, because from what I've heard, she's worked with our secret and strange angel…"

"Though they didn't have a very good working relationship…"

"Far from it. Erik blackmailed her, supposedly. At least that's the word…?"

"But anyway, we tried to get her to come give a testimonial here, but we just couldn't!"

"We used everything we could think of!"

"Money!"

"Fame!"

"Primetime shows!"

"Donuts!"

"But to no avail…"

Both sighed dramatically.

"But that's okay! These two are good enough." Said Kyan, clapping Andre's shoulder.

"And our precious little ingénue!" said Carson, motioning to Christine, her face laughing, eyes dancing.

"And to our new guest!" said Christine as she raised her wine glass filled with sparkling water.

"Here here!" exclaimed Carson. Upon noticing the presence of The Phantom & Phriends, he said, "Come here! Here!"

They walked on over to Carson. Carson put his hand on Erik's shoulder and said, "Maybe it's time for the angel to meet my dear friend." Smiled Carson. He looked around. "He was here a moment ago…"

Jai's voice from the background popped in. "He's being his darling self and helping me sort these out in individual proportions."

Kyan turned around. "Remember what happened last time?" he aske laughingly.

Jai groaned. "Ugh, the revenge of the sewer rats and the elephant parade, don't remind me…"

Whispers flew from the crowd of behind-the-scenes men. A few giggles here, a nudge in the stomach there, a scowl. Erik didn't understand, nor did he care to.

"We're just about done here." Said Jai over the rustle-rustle of paper bags and plasticware. "You'll have your first cousin back soon enough."

"Stop right there!" demanded Carson. "He's my _pretend_ first cousin. How else am I going to marry him when we grow up?"

"Oh shush!" said a voice, not Jai's. "I only have my beautiful eyes on one person."

Christine laughed as she took a sip from her drink.

Erik sat there and absorbed everything around him like a sponge. A few minutes _talk-talk-rustle-gossip-crack-talk-gossip-squeal_ passed, and Jai once again spoke.

"Done!"

"Good job! Have a gold star!"

"Yay!"

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, first we, well, dine."

Over the heads, Erik saw a table, long and narrow, with little paper bags all neatly lined up on it. It had a yellow "M" on the front. Erik wondered what it meant. He approached the food and wine connoisseur on the matter.

"What's this? Marseilles? Something from there? Or perhaps Monica's? That bistro near here?"

Ted hung his head. "No…"

Erik gulped and tried to stop beads of sweat from rolling down. "Me… Mexican?"

"No."

Erik breathed relief. No one could know about his delicate stomach. "Oh. So…?"

"I introduce to you McDonald's."

"Ah." Said Erik, who was really thinking more along the lines of 'Eh?'. But decided to hide it.

As people began to move out for food, Carson pulled Erik aside and said, "I'd like you to meet a good friend of mine. I brought him in because he's a fashionable, elegant man, with a good sense of what he likes, what women like. But he can be… A bit slow at times… But from time to time, who's not?"

Erik wanted to retort with a self-important snide but then he realized that not punjabbing anyone this deep into things was a stupidity in itself.

Maybe because Christine was there. He didn't want the woman of his love see the same hands that touch and caress and play her beautiful music, kill and murder, and mutilate.

Or maybe because he was a good person.

Erik chose the former, thank you very much. I am not losing my spark, he told himself firmly.

"Come over here!" said Carson waving. "And bring enough munchies for a threesome! There's someone here I want you to meet."

The voice from the crowd made its was nearer as he responded. "Oh. I'm afraid we've met before."

It was the moment where speech disappeared into silence, and not the way Erik wanted it to be.

There was no way to describe Erik's expression but with this  O.o

Holding three McDonald's bags in front of him stood Raoul.

And once again,  O.o

Raoul never got the chance to say another three words for at that moment, Carson found himself being dragged by the collar by an angered Phantom.

"What… The Hell… Is Going… On…"

Carson waved a nervous yet dismissive hand. "Stop talking like William Shatner."

"Not the point. I cannot believe… Does Christine know he's here?"

"She was glad she had someone to talk to while the managers were getting their acts straight as we filmed, although I must say, the hardl-"

"I cannot believe it. She betrayed me. You, even if I do not trust you in the least, betrayed me! Do you not know of the hatred that flows between us men?! I was scorned! Everything was supposed to be wonderful! Everything grand and majestic! For me and Christine… Had he not shown! I was close to killing that pretentious, arrogant, self-ob-"

"Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down!" said Carson, wiping imaginary sweat droplets off his brow. "First of all, I didn't know there was underlying sexual tension between the two of you…"

"You're missing my point." Erik said, in a voice mistakable for calm, but really, it was pure rage. Don't be fooled.

"Please. Just calm down, relax. Please be a gentleman, like you really are. Be civil. Christine enjoys his company. She has someone to hang with."

Erik's eyes were the eyes of a scorned lover. To Carson, they were the eyes of a little lamb lost in the woods, one who could always to be good, to one who'll watch over him… _Crack-crack_went Carson's heart.

"If it makes you any better, they remind me of Kathryn and Sebastian… From 'Cruel Intentions'?"

Erik's eyes turned into slits. "I know the storyline of that, freak."

Blooper. Carson gave himself a time-out.

_Tic-toc-tic-toc_

"But do it for Christine. She'd be thrilled to see you getting along, if not in a friendly manner, in a civil manner. You wouldn't want her to feel awkward when she's around both of you, right? You'd want her to have a good time, right? You want to win her heart, right? And get you some, right?"

Erik sighed. "If you put it that way… I'll be… _gulp_… Nice."

Carson smiled. "Now let's get back before the food gets all gone!"

They found Raoul leaning on a wall by himself; near the one they left him by, amidst the group of chattering people. Carson gave Erik a nudge, and Erik complied somewhat reluctantly.

Erik approached Raoul. "Hello, Vicomte. Fancy meeting you here, out of all circumstances, this." He said plainly.

Raoul nodded. "Monsieur."

Awkward pause.

"-.-"

"o.o"

"-.-"

"o.o"

Carson swept past the two of them, swiftly grabbing his meal out of Raoul's hands, while nudging Raoul on as well.

Raoul cleared his throat. "Well, um… This is awkward."

"Indeed."

"o.o"

"-.-"

"For Christine's sake, please, let's not do anything that will make her fe-"

Erik raised a hand. "I know where you're getting at. I agree."

"Truce?"

"-.-"

"Erik!"

He sighed. "Yes, a truce. For Christine."

Raoul beamed. "Good. A handshake will do."

They shook hands.

Raoul handed Erik his bag. "I thought you might like this one in particular." He said with a smile.

As they moved to the empty part of the couch, Erik opened the bag. It contained a burger, a drink, and a little toy.

Raoul smiled. "Something told me that you wanted the Happy Meal."

Erik looked down, then around, then at Raoul. His eyes shone. "Gee… Thanks."

A/N: Please review if you liked it. Or if you hated it. I don't care. Just please review. ::begs:: I hope you liked the bonus part I included. ;-) Hehehehe. Trust things to get wackier, dears. But for now, I have finals! Wish me luck! ::poof::


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